It has barely been a month. You can tell from my relatively frequent posting that my mind is probably on overdrive right now. Well, as they say, the heart rules the mind.
I know you've told me once before, "You trust people too much, you're bound to get hurt". I should have listened. I think i finally understand what you meant.
People only tell you what you want to hear. They tell you "I love you" so you'll think you're loved. They say "I want to be with you" so you'll think its forever. Truth is, they're afraid. Afraid to tell you the truth for fear of losing you. Only to find out that in the end, that they do in fact, love you. They dont mean to be hurtful, they just end up crushing your heart in a vice grip. Are they liars? I dont think so. Are they confused? Probably.
I'm not saying im better than these people. On the contrary, I'm the type to declare undying love, to do everything to stay in love, to believe everything I hear. I'm not afraid to get hurt, what's life without a little pain? The sad part is, I mean everything i say. I know its a little hard to believe, but really I do. I think that's the cause of me getting overly dramatic. I love too much. I care too much. Call me emo, I dont care. All I want is someone who'll take care of me. Someone that will mean what they say. Someone who'll be careful of the hearts they trample on.
I want to be happy, that's why i risk trusting people.
Am I wrong for trusting people?
No.
I just haven't found the right one.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Waking up
Fate just slapped me. Hard.
Wake up calls are always unpleasant. They yank us from our dreams and always seem to wake us up at the most inopportune time. They remind us how different our dreams are from reality. How we can never accomplish our goals. How dissapointing our life has turned out so far.
Just recently, fate gave me a wake up call. I had just decided that i would give up on her, but i was having some serious loneliness issues. So, I told myself I'd go look for someone else, and wouldn't you know it, a girl that I liked hitched a ride with me in my car. It was against all odds, she lived somewhere else and the only reason she was going to my part of the country was that she was going to a friend's house. I wasn't alone with her in the car but who cares? It's a sign by fate or whatever higher power is out there.
Waking up, its not all that bad.
Wake up calls are always unpleasant. They yank us from our dreams and always seem to wake us up at the most inopportune time. They remind us how different our dreams are from reality. How we can never accomplish our goals. How dissapointing our life has turned out so far.
Just recently, fate gave me a wake up call. I had just decided that i would give up on her, but i was having some serious loneliness issues. So, I told myself I'd go look for someone else, and wouldn't you know it, a girl that I liked hitched a ride with me in my car. It was against all odds, she lived somewhere else and the only reason she was going to my part of the country was that she was going to a friend's house. I wasn't alone with her in the car but who cares? It's a sign by fate or whatever higher power is out there.
Waking up, its not all that bad.
Let me tell you guys about my day.
Woke up from a fitful sleep, really early, 4:00 am. A fun filled Friday.
I drove to school, passing by empty roads, through the darkness of the pre-dawn.
I arrived at school, desperately hoping to see you. I pass by south gate, I go through Mcdo, I walk by Tropical. Nobody there.
My friend found me, and we went to Mcdo to eat. You were there, a forced smile pasted on your lips when you saw me. I heard you laughing, the happiness with your friends. Your other friends arrive. Oddly, I felt no anger or hatred or whatever. Maybe I felt a tinge of disgust, déjà vu.
After eating, it was time to go. Got up, passed by you, and we assembled near the LRT. I saw you were near where my car was parked. So, as the ever stupid person that I am, I pretended to get something from my car. I don't know why I did that though, maybe to get near you, or to see if you would at least acknowledge me being there. Pathetic really.
Our group went up to the LRT station. From there, I saw you, getting into the vehicle. And all I could say was.. well, you know what I said.
We boarded the train, got off at Ayala, transferred to the MRT and rode it all the way to Quezon Ave. We asked for directions, rode a 20 sec. tricycle to Esguerra gate of ABS-CBN. Waited a while in the rain, got inside, listened to a power point presentation. After which we got a tour of the different parts of the studio(?), more like transmitters and control stations of ABS-CBN. I had a talk with a girl friend of mine. I heard the same lines, she's not worth it, you deserve better. Again, I didnt want to believe her, I defended you. It was fun, you just can't tell from the way I narrated it. Around 1pm we left the studio.
On the way back to school, I discussed with my friends our plans for the rest of the day. They were going home first and then going to Makati at around 3pm to deal with a class project involving Discovery suites. I said that I might tag along. I had to go back to school to pick up my car, so I parted ways with them and went to school. I picked up my car and dropped it off at my sister's apartment for the rest of the day. I contemplated if i was going to stay here until 7 pm but decided against it since it wouldn't help me feel any better if I was alone. So, I left the apartment, and rode a bus to meet my friend in his house near Baclaran.
I can't bear being alone.
I arrived at his house, after getting lost a bit. I met his mom, and ate some macaroni salad as I recall. We left at around 2:45 and rode a bus to makati. We met our other friends there and walked towards Urdaneta village. We arrived at our rich friend's house in Urdaneta. There was a total of 6 of us. We got in an expedition and headed towards Discovery suites. Discovery suites and the Discovery hotel chain is owned by none other than our rich friend. At the hotel we ate cookies and drank heavenly juice at the lobby. The person they were supposed to interview was not yet there so we proceeded to the take 5 restaurant. Here, we ordered to our heart's content. Thank you dear rich friend. We then started our interview of the general manager of the hotel. The interview was by far the best part of the day. We heard stories about Steven Segal and other famous personalities. He was a foreigner by the way, so the interview was all lingua ingles. On the way back to Urdaneta, I wanted to share with someone what I just experienced. Or maybe I just wanted to text you. Stupid. We ate at Urdaneta, and the food was incomparable. I apologize for the lack luster story telling. It was a lot of fun really, just ask my friends.
8pm, we headed to the launch party of our school's radio station. It was at A-venue in the bureau bar. There we met up with some other friends. Honestly, it wasn't much of a party. We all just went to get some extra points in our subjects. After a free drink, and talking to some people, we left that place and went to another bar, which my rich friend's brother owned. Low and behold, the theme for that night was a Lingere party. We got in, despite the protests of the bouncers and the organizers since I stated earlier, we're with the owner. Got a look inside, stayed for awhile. We had fun.
It was time to go home. I was supposed to sleep at my sister's, but I decided to just drive home.
Driving home, through the empty streets, through the midnight darkness, I felt so utterly helpless.
I didn't want to feel what I felt.
I dont know what I have to look forward to.
All day, it's only you I wanted.
Woke up from a fitful sleep, really early, 4:00 am. A fun filled Friday.
I drove to school, passing by empty roads, through the darkness of the pre-dawn.
I arrived at school, desperately hoping to see you. I pass by south gate, I go through Mcdo, I walk by Tropical. Nobody there.
My friend found me, and we went to Mcdo to eat. You were there, a forced smile pasted on your lips when you saw me. I heard you laughing, the happiness with your friends. Your other friends arrive. Oddly, I felt no anger or hatred or whatever. Maybe I felt a tinge of disgust, déjà vu.
After eating, it was time to go. Got up, passed by you, and we assembled near the LRT. I saw you were near where my car was parked. So, as the ever stupid person that I am, I pretended to get something from my car. I don't know why I did that though, maybe to get near you, or to see if you would at least acknowledge me being there. Pathetic really.
Our group went up to the LRT station. From there, I saw you, getting into the vehicle. And all I could say was.. well, you know what I said.
We boarded the train, got off at Ayala, transferred to the MRT and rode it all the way to Quezon Ave. We asked for directions, rode a 20 sec. tricycle to Esguerra gate of ABS-CBN. Waited a while in the rain, got inside, listened to a power point presentation. After which we got a tour of the different parts of the studio(?), more like transmitters and control stations of ABS-CBN. I had a talk with a girl friend of mine. I heard the same lines, she's not worth it, you deserve better. Again, I didnt want to believe her, I defended you. It was fun, you just can't tell from the way I narrated it. Around 1pm we left the studio.
On the way back to school, I discussed with my friends our plans for the rest of the day. They were going home first and then going to Makati at around 3pm to deal with a class project involving Discovery suites. I said that I might tag along. I had to go back to school to pick up my car, so I parted ways with them and went to school. I picked up my car and dropped it off at my sister's apartment for the rest of the day. I contemplated if i was going to stay here until 7 pm but decided against it since it wouldn't help me feel any better if I was alone. So, I left the apartment, and rode a bus to meet my friend in his house near Baclaran.
I can't bear being alone.
I arrived at his house, after getting lost a bit. I met his mom, and ate some macaroni salad as I recall. We left at around 2:45 and rode a bus to makati. We met our other friends there and walked towards Urdaneta village. We arrived at our rich friend's house in Urdaneta. There was a total of 6 of us. We got in an expedition and headed towards Discovery suites. Discovery suites and the Discovery hotel chain is owned by none other than our rich friend. At the hotel we ate cookies and drank heavenly juice at the lobby. The person they were supposed to interview was not yet there so we proceeded to the take 5 restaurant. Here, we ordered to our heart's content. Thank you dear rich friend. We then started our interview of the general manager of the hotel. The interview was by far the best part of the day. We heard stories about Steven Segal and other famous personalities. He was a foreigner by the way, so the interview was all lingua ingles. On the way back to Urdaneta, I wanted to share with someone what I just experienced. Or maybe I just wanted to text you. Stupid. We ate at Urdaneta, and the food was incomparable. I apologize for the lack luster story telling. It was a lot of fun really, just ask my friends.
8pm, we headed to the launch party of our school's radio station. It was at A-venue in the bureau bar. There we met up with some other friends. Honestly, it wasn't much of a party. We all just went to get some extra points in our subjects. After a free drink, and talking to some people, we left that place and went to another bar, which my rich friend's brother owned. Low and behold, the theme for that night was a Lingere party. We got in, despite the protests of the bouncers and the organizers since I stated earlier, we're with the owner. Got a look inside, stayed for awhile. We had fun.
It was time to go home. I was supposed to sleep at my sister's, but I decided to just drive home.
Driving home, through the empty streets, through the midnight darkness, I felt so utterly helpless.
I didn't want to feel what I felt.
I dont know what I have to look forward to.
All day, it's only you I wanted.
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